Stuff & Nonsense

Played golf in my league last night. It was quite warm, though we have been blessed with lower humidity. Still, as always, I sweated through my shirt, my hat, and two sweat bands; this despite the fact that I was using a riding cart. I can sweat.

I shot 49 for nine holes, which is three strokes better than my average this year and only five strokes above my goal for nine holes, which is bogey golf--on this course 44. No, I'm not a great golfer, but I have been struggling the past couple of years, even by my own standards. To me that's one of the truly fascinating aspects of golf. In a real sense, no golfer, regardless of the at which they play, is ever truly happy with their game. There are always poor shots that can be improved on, consistency that can be improved, or decision-making that one regrets almost immediately after a shot has been attempted.

Heard from another friend of Al Fletcher. He's resting comfortably, but he isn't expected to survive the weekend. Go in peace, my friend and teacher. Go in peace.

Heard from my sister regarding Dad. She says there's no change. He's probably losing weight, but he continues to eat and drink. We're pretty much agreed that he doesn't so much want to die as he doesn't want to live a dependent life where he's confused easily and not in control of his destiny. From my perspective in talking with him, I see him as not wanting to deal with the 'process' of dying. If he's gonna die, he wants to get it over with. And he doesn't want to die in the sense that he is willing to take any positive action in that regard such as stopping eating or drinking.

I am not blaming him for any of these choices or dilemmas. They are his choices, and I honor them even as I keep in mind what choices I might make in similar circumstances.

I took a short break after I wrote the previous paragraph, and while I was refilling my coffee, it occurred to me that Dad's dilemma mirror my own. He's having trouble coming to terms with his end-of-life situation. He's having trouble making decisions as he is torn between conflicting wants: to live and to have this dying thing over with. I struggle, too, with conflicting wants. I like the personal and financial security I have from the work I do (barring, of course, the lapses in employment that come by occasionally). I also want to reconfigure my life so that I have more time for my own writing and more time for golf or other leisure pursuits.

I'm not handling my conflicting wants any better than Dad is. I recognize in myself that same desire to have things resolved, just sort of have things happen of their own volition in exactly the way I want them to happen. I've been telling Dad that life doesn't work that way; more gets done and done in the direction we want to go through our making choices and acting on those choices. Yet here I sit hoping something will happen to make my life into what I think I want it to be at this moment.

So, I'm no different than my Dad in yet another aspect of my life. Well ain't that just peachy.