Omega and Alpha

It's the end and the beginning. Dad is dead. The calling hours are over. The funeral is over. He is well and truly planted in the grave next to my mother and his wife. His life is over, and that part of our lives lived with him is over, too. Now comes the part after.

I came into work today to find that the department had signed a Sympathy card. It was very touching, especially given that I am a contractor here and not a regular employee. Several people with whom I've made connections have stopped by to offer their personal condolences as well. It's all very touching, and I am deeply moved (sometimes to private tears) that people reach out to me so much at this time.

And yet I want this period to be over. I want to be beyond the mourning. I'm tired of saying "thank you" to people who stop to offer their prayers and support. It's selfish of me, I know. I also know that I must deal with my feelings rather than burying them in work or reading or whatever else I use to deny and avoid the truth.

This past week, I learned things about my father that I never knew, and I realized that we are all tarnished diamonds. We have many facets, and we change as our lives go on. Certainly my Dad did, and I was fortunate to realize that before he died. His AA friends were particularly effusive in their praise. AA was obviously very good for him. It was also very good for his relationship with me in that, in doing his 12 steps, he was able to open the channel between us. I was glad of that, even as I am sad that I still had to wait until he died to learn more things about him. But perhaps that's the way it's supposed to be.

Anyway, the post-Dad world has begun. This will be a transition period as I deal with the stages of grief and come, I hope, to acceptance.