Grieving & Mourning
Yesterday was the most difficult day emotionally that I've had since Dad died. Yesterday was also my first day back at work. I suspect there is a correlation.
When I came in yesterday, there was a card signed by everyone in the department sitting on my keyboard. It was touching but not unexpected. I probably would have been surprised if there was nothing. But I would have only been a little surprised as I am only a contractor here. Full time employees don't make much effort to get to know contractors and vice versa.
Then people came by during the morning to offer their personal condolences. That was touching, and it also put me back in the mode I was in last week of listening to people's thoughts and thanking them. I suspect that a part of me thought I was done with that. If that's the case, I learned differently. For the next some time I can expect condolences from people who know and who haven't seen me in person yet to express their feelings.
Finally, the department bought me a planter, flowers and such. That was quite a surprise and way beyond what I would have expected. It was as if the whole day conspired to say, "No, you can't get back to normal just yet."
I was also a bit preoccupied with some information we got about our father that dates back to his childhood and the circumstances of the breakup of his parents' marriage. I did a bit of writing on that, but I'm not ready to share it yet. For one thing, there are still living people involved in the aftermath of what we learned, and my conclusions might shock them. My conclusions might actually be wrong (perish the thought). So, at the least, I need to do some fact checking, if that is possible.
Today has been much better, emotionally. More normal thoughts and activities. Fewer interruptions. I don't normally think a lot about my father. He was never my best friend, confidante, or counsellor. It just wasn't our relationship. For thirty or more years we have pretty much gone our own ways. So there is no presence to miss, really. I didn't call him a lot or write him a lot, and he almost never called or wrote.
When I came in yesterday, there was a card signed by everyone in the department sitting on my keyboard. It was touching but not unexpected. I probably would have been surprised if there was nothing. But I would have only been a little surprised as I am only a contractor here. Full time employees don't make much effort to get to know contractors and vice versa.
Then people came by during the morning to offer their personal condolences. That was touching, and it also put me back in the mode I was in last week of listening to people's thoughts and thanking them. I suspect that a part of me thought I was done with that. If that's the case, I learned differently. For the next some time I can expect condolences from people who know and who haven't seen me in person yet to express their feelings.
Finally, the department bought me a planter, flowers and such. That was quite a surprise and way beyond what I would have expected. It was as if the whole day conspired to say, "No, you can't get back to normal just yet."
I was also a bit preoccupied with some information we got about our father that dates back to his childhood and the circumstances of the breakup of his parents' marriage. I did a bit of writing on that, but I'm not ready to share it yet. For one thing, there are still living people involved in the aftermath of what we learned, and my conclusions might shock them. My conclusions might actually be wrong (perish the thought). So, at the least, I need to do some fact checking, if that is possible.
Today has been much better, emotionally. More normal thoughts and activities. Fewer interruptions. I don't normally think a lot about my father. He was never my best friend, confidante, or counsellor. It just wasn't our relationship. For thirty or more years we have pretty much gone our own ways. So there is no presence to miss, really. I didn't call him a lot or write him a lot, and he almost never called or wrote.
posted by Tom | 3:55 PM
2 Comments:
I read your entry here (and the previous one) and can relate...my father died in April. Dealing with one's own personal relationship with a parent is one thing. It's another thing all together to then deal with how your office environment treats you when you return.
I actually found out a lot of things that I normally wouldn't know about people. The level of disclosure was amazing...people came forth with all these stories of substantial loss...loss that I never would have known about had they not sought to revel themselves to me in an effort to help me through my grief.
I like your writing. Thanks for posting.
-Tia
Tia,
Thanks for your comments. Often I think I am writing only to myself and the thin air. That's okay with me, as I get a lot out of processing my 'stuff' by writing it out.
Still, it is nice to know that others read and find some value here.
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