Depression & Sleep Deprivation
It's rare that I use work to avoid writing in this journal. Usually it's the other way around; I use the journal to avoid doing work.
However, I've been kicking around the idea of writing about my depression. One of the reasons to write about it is that my depression explains why I have these extended intervals when I don't write here. I can't get up the mental energy to care enough about anything to string together some coherent thoughts on a topic. It's not that lots of topics aren't interesting to me. It's that nothing is interesting to me.
I'm not staring into the void in these times. Instead, I'm reading or listening to recorded books or watching television or playing Neverwinter Nights. I'm doing anything to avoid thinking for myself or doing anything constructive.
I speak only of my depression. I really don't know what anyone else's depression feels like to them; so I want to avoid generalizing. I'm also not talking about those times when one is down or discouraged or saddened. Depression, Clinical Depression to be precise, the kind you take drugs for is not triggered by something in my life. It's more like a constant companion that sometimes just sucks the life out of me. And I know it, at least after a time. And I don't care.
Actually, I suffer from a second malady that seems to exacerbate the depression: sleep apnea. Sleep apnea is a condition that occurs wherein while the sufferer is sleeping, he or she stops breathing. I'm told that most snorers suffer from sleep apnea. I use a machine called a CPAP for my sleep apnea. CPAP stands for Constant Positive Air Pressure. The CPAP forces air into my nose at a constant pressure (currently 15 psi) in an effort to keep my esophagus open so that I can achieve REM sleep.
People with untreated sleep apnea eventually do not achieve REM sleep, and not achieving REM causes all sorts of health problems and eventually leads to death. Not getting enough REM sleep also leads one to hallucinations and generally fatigue all day long. That's sort of like the symptoms of clinical depression as I experience them. So, when I'm really tired and withdrawn I'm never quite sure if its depression or lack of sleep or both.
Whatever is affecting me, its effect on my mind is to give me an urge to withdraw from the world. I just want to be alone and unbothered by anyone or anything. Watching television, reading, or playing games on the computer are, for me, ways to withdraw. So is drinking, though it has been a long time since I've let myself drink until I passed out or fell asleep (a less risky form of passing out, I find.) All of these things are withdrawals for me. And they come upon me slowly and gradually so that I'm never quite sure what, if anything, is drawing me in the direction of withdrawal.
This has been hard to write on several levels. On one level, I don't want to expose myself like this. On another level, I'm having to fight to maintain a focus and keep my energy up to do it. On another level, I just don't care.
Oh, another facet of my depression is that I express a lot of anger and cuss alot. (I have avoided profanity in this entry, but any reader who wants a sense of it can add the phrase "fuck it" wherever it would fit.) When forced to rouse myself, I'll lambast whoever has roused me from my stupor with a round of withering scorn and an invitation to the offender to have sex with themselves. It doesn't really make a lot of sense, unless I am suffering from depression and/or sleep deprivation brought on by sleep apnea.
So that's my clinical explanation of my depression and sleep deprivation. It also explains why I sometimes don't write for long stretches or write very angrily.
However, I've been kicking around the idea of writing about my depression. One of the reasons to write about it is that my depression explains why I have these extended intervals when I don't write here. I can't get up the mental energy to care enough about anything to string together some coherent thoughts on a topic. It's not that lots of topics aren't interesting to me. It's that nothing is interesting to me.
I'm not staring into the void in these times. Instead, I'm reading or listening to recorded books or watching television or playing Neverwinter Nights. I'm doing anything to avoid thinking for myself or doing anything constructive.
I speak only of my depression. I really don't know what anyone else's depression feels like to them; so I want to avoid generalizing. I'm also not talking about those times when one is down or discouraged or saddened. Depression, Clinical Depression to be precise, the kind you take drugs for is not triggered by something in my life. It's more like a constant companion that sometimes just sucks the life out of me. And I know it, at least after a time. And I don't care.
Actually, I suffer from a second malady that seems to exacerbate the depression: sleep apnea. Sleep apnea is a condition that occurs wherein while the sufferer is sleeping, he or she stops breathing. I'm told that most snorers suffer from sleep apnea. I use a machine called a CPAP for my sleep apnea. CPAP stands for Constant Positive Air Pressure. The CPAP forces air into my nose at a constant pressure (currently 15 psi) in an effort to keep my esophagus open so that I can achieve REM sleep.
People with untreated sleep apnea eventually do not achieve REM sleep, and not achieving REM causes all sorts of health problems and eventually leads to death. Not getting enough REM sleep also leads one to hallucinations and generally fatigue all day long. That's sort of like the symptoms of clinical depression as I experience them. So, when I'm really tired and withdrawn I'm never quite sure if its depression or lack of sleep or both.
Whatever is affecting me, its effect on my mind is to give me an urge to withdraw from the world. I just want to be alone and unbothered by anyone or anything. Watching television, reading, or playing games on the computer are, for me, ways to withdraw. So is drinking, though it has been a long time since I've let myself drink until I passed out or fell asleep (a less risky form of passing out, I find.) All of these things are withdrawals for me. And they come upon me slowly and gradually so that I'm never quite sure what, if anything, is drawing me in the direction of withdrawal.
This has been hard to write on several levels. On one level, I don't want to expose myself like this. On another level, I'm having to fight to maintain a focus and keep my energy up to do it. On another level, I just don't care.
Oh, another facet of my depression is that I express a lot of anger and cuss alot. (I have avoided profanity in this entry, but any reader who wants a sense of it can add the phrase "fuck it" wherever it would fit.) When forced to rouse myself, I'll lambast whoever has roused me from my stupor with a round of withering scorn and an invitation to the offender to have sex with themselves. It doesn't really make a lot of sense, unless I am suffering from depression and/or sleep deprivation brought on by sleep apnea.
So that's my clinical explanation of my depression and sleep deprivation. It also explains why I sometimes don't write for long stretches or write very angrily.
posted by Tom | 3:19 PM
1 Comments:
I feel for ya, man. I have been told that I probably have apnea, and had depression in the past. When I first went on an anti-depressant, I thought "this is what normal is like? cool!"
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