The "Grouch"

In the past four years, it has not been unusual for me to be a flaming grouch online. I'll read something that is sent to me in an email, and I'll go off like the wrath of an angry God on the sender. Several of the angrier essays on my web site, http://trmurrell.netfirms.com/, were written in that very angry state. I can't say I'm really ashamed of what I wrote, though I do wish I had not put quite so much of that anger into what I wrote. I abhor prejudice, and some people are idiots and ought to be told that, even if they won't believe it. Still, when I write from my anger I don't exactly foster communications, you know.

Now, I have a different sense of what all is going into that anger. The part that is new to me is a realization that my grouchiness or touchiness or whatever it should be called is fueled by my sleep apnea. Apparently irritableness, especially irrational irritableness, comes from sleep deprivation caused by the apnea. For those who don't know, in sleep apnea the sufferer stops breathing in the night. In order for the body/brain to rouse itself and resume breathing, it awakens itself. This awakening pulls the sleeper out of REM sleep, which is vital for getting true rest and for mental stability. Even on my CPAP, I was being roused in some fashion six or so times an hour. As I experienced it, I might simply be rolling over, or I would blame it on someone in the house or area going to the bathroom or otherwise wandering the building.

This bi-PAP is expected to correct the problem. Apparently, with CPAP I can't exhale against a pressure higher than 16, and the other data from the sleep study showed that I needed 18 to keep my airway open and keep breathing.

Maybe I won't be so grouchy anymore. As I said in the earlier post, it will take some time to see how well it works.