I'm Back...Sort of...Maybe

So, where the heck have I been for the past several months?

Nowhere really. That's the problem with depression, at least mine. I don't go anywhere or do anything or enjoy anything. As far as writing is concerned, I haven't had the energy--I haven't cared enough--to write anything. My life feels like a total mess right now, and I'm not even writing now because I care. I'm simply waiting for an online poker tournament to start.

That's how I've been passing my time: playing online poker. I'm down several hundred dollars from a combination of bad play and bad luck. I guess it's all bad play. Even when you get beat on the river by a lucky player who doesn't know what he's doing, you can trace it back to your own mistakes.

I've really learned a lot about poker in the past four months. I've learned even more about myself. Particularly, I've learned that I lack patience. I'm getting better at it, but I'm nowhere good enough at being patient.

But more than anything else, I'm enveloped in a deep, abiding sadness: what the folks a hundred years ago called melancholy. I do what I have to do, but I have no initiative to do more. I don't care whether I life or die, but I guess I do more to live than I do to die.

Where does this melancholy come from? I wish I could isolate a cause and deal with that cause. So many things have happened, and yet nothing is changed. I'm unemployed again. The contract I was on when last I wrote mercifully ended at the end of September. I say mercifully because they had long since run out of work for me to do. I got another contract in November at another place, but that lasted all of three weeks, and I got that work done early, too. Only these people were smart enough to cut their losses.

I guess it's time to face the facts that no one really wants the skills I have. Problem is I don't feel like acquiring new skills at the moment. I don't feel like doing much of anything.

In face, I've tired of this. Perhaps I'll write more later, but my tournament is about to start. Maybe I can get lucky.