Congress Reforming Itself (Again)

I see where the Republicans and Democrats in Congress are falling all over themselves in the wake of the latest political scandal to reform themselves. Each party is introducing legislation to make more of what they don't want to be caught doing illegal.

And this is going to help how? This latest kabuki dance is another example of Congress wanting to be seen to be doing something when in fact they aren't really doing anything.

I'd like to make a proposal that they apply a simple rule: if it's something you wouldn't want to be caught doing, don't do it. If you get caught doing it, you'll be exposed to ridicule and lose your cushy job in the House or Senate.

Isn't it really pretty simple for these folks to know when what they are doing is not (a) in the best interests of their constituents, (b) in the best interest of the country, and (c) in their own best interests? Yet what they seem to want to do is make as few changes as possible and be able to say, "What I did wasn't against the law."

That's so comforting. If you take money from someone and then later do them a favor, that's way too close to a bribe to suit me. If you have to do mental gyrations with your ethical compass, is the job really worth it? Didn't your mother tell you that just because everyone else is doing it, that doesn't make it right?

Ah, but they are all lawyers, aren't they?

Depression & Sleep Deprivation

It's rare that I use work to avoid writing in this journal. Usually it's the other way around; I use the journal to avoid doing work.

However, I've been kicking around the idea of writing about my depression. One of the reasons to write about it is that my depression explains why I have these extended intervals when I don't write here. I can't get up the mental energy to care enough about anything to string together some coherent thoughts on a topic. It's not that lots of topics aren't interesting to me. It's that nothing is interesting to me.

I'm not staring into the void in these times. Instead, I'm reading or listening to recorded books or watching television or playing Neverwinter Nights. I'm doing anything to avoid thinking for myself or doing anything constructive.

I speak only of my depression. I really don't know what anyone else's depression feels like to them; so I want to avoid generalizing. I'm also not talking about those times when one is down or discouraged or saddened. Depression, Clinical Depression to be precise, the kind you take drugs for is not triggered by something in my life. It's more like a constant companion that sometimes just sucks the life out of me. And I know it, at least after a time. And I don't care.

Actually, I suffer from a second malady that seems to exacerbate the depression: sleep apnea. Sleep apnea is a condition that occurs wherein while the sufferer is sleeping, he or she stops breathing. I'm told that most snorers suffer from sleep apnea. I use a machine called a CPAP for my sleep apnea. CPAP stands for Constant Positive Air Pressure. The CPAP forces air into my nose at a constant pressure (currently 15 psi) in an effort to keep my esophagus open so that I can achieve REM sleep.

People with untreated sleep apnea eventually do not achieve REM sleep, and not achieving REM causes all sorts of health problems and eventually leads to death. Not getting enough REM sleep also leads one to hallucinations and generally fatigue all day long. That's sort of like the symptoms of clinical depression as I experience them. So, when I'm really tired and withdrawn I'm never quite sure if its depression or lack of sleep or both.

Whatever is affecting me, its effect on my mind is to give me an urge to withdraw from the world. I just want to be alone and unbothered by anyone or anything. Watching television, reading, or playing games on the computer are, for me, ways to withdraw. So is drinking, though it has been a long time since I've let myself drink until I passed out or fell asleep (a less risky form of passing out, I find.) All of these things are withdrawals for me. And they come upon me slowly and gradually so that I'm never quite sure what, if anything, is drawing me in the direction of withdrawal.

This has been hard to write on several levels. On one level, I don't want to expose myself like this. On another level, I'm having to fight to maintain a focus and keep my energy up to do it. On another level, I just don't care.

Oh, another facet of my depression is that I express a lot of anger and cuss alot. (I have avoided profanity in this entry, but any reader who wants a sense of it can add the phrase "fuck it" wherever it would fit.) When forced to rouse myself, I'll lambast whoever has roused me from my stupor with a round of withering scorn and an invitation to the offender to have sex with themselves. It doesn't really make a lot of sense, unless I am suffering from depression and/or sleep deprivation brought on by sleep apnea.

So that's my clinical explanation of my depression and sleep deprivation. It also explains why I sometimes don't write for long stretches or write very angrily.

Nuclear Proliferation

All the diplomatic world is atwitter now that Iraq has resumed nuclear research aimed an enriching uranium, perhaps to the point necessary to make nuclear weapons. We're told that nuclear weapons in the hands of rogue states and terrorists is a bad thing.

Hello!

Nuclear weapons are a bad thing. There are no "good hands" into which to place these weapons. The US developed them first and used them first. A lot of the rest of the world doesn't trust us to use our power (or our nukes) only for good, because we tend to define good in terms of our own self-interest rather than the general good of humanity.

Of course the rest of the world is no more trustworthy than we are. Is there some inherent reason to trust Great Britain or France or Russia or China or India or Pakistan or Israel more than the US? History would not suggest so. All nations, like all people, act in their own perceived self-interest regardless of whether their perceptions are valid or not.

Given that list of nuclear powers in the world, why should Iran not want to join the club? For that matter, why shouldn't North Korea want to join? Does the prospect of either Iran or North Korea obtaining nuclear weapons frighten me? Yes...and No.

It frightens me in the same way that nuclear weapons in general frighten me. I grew up in the Fifties with the duck and cover drills in school and the nuclear terror nightmares stemming from the Cold War. I remember one of my nightmares in which nuclear missiles are falling everywhere. I am lying on the ground in a meadow shaded by green leafy trees when a missile cuts through the trees aimed right for my chest.

And yet there is nothing I can do about it. If nations, or now terrorist groups, are so bent on destruction that they unleash the nuclear devil on the world, I hope I do not survive the resulting give and take. Life will be very hard on the survivors. But I can't prevent it. I see no reason to trust France or the US more than Iran or Al Qaeda with nuclear weapons.

The US recognized from the beginning that it was not in our best interests for anyone else to get nuclear weapons, yet despite our best efforts, proliferation occurred. Despite our best efforts since, they continue to proliferate. Is there anything we can do about it? Probably not. It is all within human nature. Sooner or later somebody will use them again. Whether it stops with one or two or goes on the nuclear suicide is not up to me. It's up to the people who have the power.

Things That Grow Wearisome Over Time

I've been following the news headlines today, and a trend caught my eye. This morning, the first headlines on Israel's Prime Minister said, "Sharon Breathing On His Own." By mid-morning the headlines said, "Sharon Breathing On His Own And Moving Hand." The latest headlines, mid-afternoon in the Eastern Time Zone (UTC -5) say, "Sharon Breathing, Moving Hand, Leg."

Are they gonna tell us when he pees? Okay, I know he's an important world leader and this is yet another critical time in the Middle East, but can we have a little perspective here? Oh, I forgot that the media are not about perspective.

The Alito hearings in the Senate, which only started three or so hours ago, are already wearisome in their own right. Some Christians are afraid that if he's not confirmed it will be the end of all worthwhile values in America. Some Liberals seem afraid that if he is confirmed it will be the end of personal freedoms as we know them.

Don't you ever want to grab a microphone-wielding reporter with a television camera and say, "Everbody take a breath already!" Like it or not, Alito is going to be confirmed. Senate Democrats have not yet decided that they won't filibuster his nomination (though they haven't publicly announced that yet) because it's a no-win situation for them. And contrary to popular wishes, no Supreme Court Justice, or even all nine together, will radically change America. America is a huge ship with a lot of momentum. It will take a lot of force applied over a goodly period of time to turn the ship of state in any direction very much. Do you realize that for over 175 years of the republic's life the Senate held no confirmation hearings on anyone the President proposed for any office? (Well, maybe a few, but those were politically dead choices anyway.) They voted them up or down or filibustered them as the situation played out in each case. Now we make a Cecil B. DeMille production out of the hearings for the Undersecretary of Toadyism for Tourism as if that position held the key to the continuation of life as we know it.

What's happening in reality is that the lobbying groups, both on the Left and on the Right, use these confirmation shams, er, hearings to raise money for themselves and their projects. They succeed, not by winning anything but simply by playing the game. And the game is getting donations into the coffers and war chests.

It's all corrupt. And what's the worst is that the leaders of these various and nefarious organizations so cynically use the energies of the true believers in the cause to line their own pockets. Everybody take a breath and watch Desperate Housewives.