Positive Health Report

I'm once again a living testament to the healing power of modern chemistry. I think this new medication is definitely managing my depression. I'm sleeping better, working better, even coping with difficulties better.

Sunday morning my wife woke me at 4:30 am. Our older dog, Cora, was in some distress. She had to go outside every hour, and had kept my wife up all night. She'd thrown up twice.

So, on short rest, I took Cora to the local emergency veterinary hospital. They checked her out and diagnosed her with hemorrhagic gastroenteritis; that is, a severely irritated digestive tract. They gave Cora some fluids and me some medicine and dietary instructions and sent us on our way three hours and $450 lighter.

By the evening, we were concerned because Cora was still bleeding, and she was leaking out of her butt. A call to the vet hospital led me to take her back in about seven that evening. Over the phone they said she would need to stay overnight for observation, further tests, and more fluids. However, it took three hours for them to actually admit her.

When I left at ten pm, I left another $200 lighter, without the dog, and dead tired.

Yet, I was able to get a decent night's sleep and go to work and be effective the next day. Tuesday night, I didn't sleep well because the younger, boy, dog Sebastian--whose pet I am--decided to sleep with me all night. I was up three times in that night to go to the bathroom; that's a clear indication that I'm not sleeping well. Yet again Tuesday I was able to work effectively. I got a good night's sleep last night, and I feel like I'm firing on all cylinders.

My wife brought Cora home Monday morning. She is recovering slowly. By last night she seemed to be feeling much better. She doesn't much care for the bland diet she has to eat for awhile, but she eats it with gusto.

Moussaoui: A Contrarian View

Zacharias Moussaoui, the so-called "20th hijacker" from the 9/11 attacks took the witness stand yesterday, allegedly in his own behalf. I say allegedly because it is clear from the reports of his testimony that he didn't do himself a lot of good, if he's trying to avoid the death penalty. According to all the news reports I've seen--and that's a reasonably wide cross-section--Moussaoui made a number of claims.

He claimed he was supposed to pilot a plane into the White House as part of a second wave of attacks, but he had no information about when that second attack was to take place. He didn't even know when the 9/11 attack was to take place before it happened.

He claimed he knew that the first attacks were to take out the twin towers in New York, but he didn't know about the attack on the Pentagon or where the 4th plane was to strike.

He claimed to have trained with many of those who did the deed on 9/11, but the mastermind of those attacks was quoted as telling Guantanimo interrogators that Moussaoui was a fringe player, a wannabe, a loose cannon who could not be fully trusted.

I think Moussaoui is getting his time in the fame spotlight, and he's relishing it. I think he's a crude, ineffective, and ineffectual little man whose only claim to fame is to be linked to the terror attacks of 9/11 by a country--my country, America--that is desperate to punish someone--anyone--for what happened on that day.

He wants to be a martyr, but he lacks the courage to kill himself let alone take anyone else with him. He's a pathetic bumbler and a habitual liar who lies for personal aggrandizement.

Executing Zacharias Moussaoui is just what he wants us to do. It will make him a martyr to his cause all right, because Al Qaida does not miss a propaganda opportunity even if they wouldn't let him within 500 miles of a real operation. Moussaoui would see a death sentence as his reward not as his punishment.

I don't think he knew a thing about 9/11 other than that such an attack was in the planning stage. His superiors shuffled him off to the side to keep him away from the real action because they didn't trust him.

I also don't think, based on all of the investigations of the intelligence failure that was 9/11, that the FBI or the FAA or the CIA could have followed any leads he had given them, even if he had known anything worth following up on, because at that time those institutions were blind to what happened on 9/11 until they were confronted by smoking towers. Only then did the pieces fall into place.

Moussaoui isn't worth executing. If we want to punish him--for his arrogance, his bad behavior, his delusions of grandeur, and his sick sense of values--we should lock him away and forget about him. He isn't worth executing, and he isn't worth letting free, either. Just lock him away and let him rot while we go after the real perpetrators of 9/11. Those are the people we want, not some two-bit wannabe fool.

Weather, Iraq, and other Stuff

Ah, it's the second day of Spring, and the snow is falling. How glorious!

The weather forecasters can't seem to decide if we're going to get a dusting, an inch, 3-5 inches, or 4-6 inches. Personally, I'll be surprised if we get more than a couple of inches.

Have you noticed that weather forecasts have gotten more alarmist in the information age? The Weather Channel can't wait to send its weather disaster vultures to wherever the weather is turning a little bad. These folks show up for everything from a category 5 hurricane to the threat of six inches of snow. And because they show up with their Live Reports, it is a major news story complete with warnings and visual displays of what's going on.

Then I tuned in last night, and they were doing live reporting from a ski resort (where it's supposed to snow) on the folks who are taking their spring breaks there instead of at the beaches and resorts south of the snowbelt.

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I see where part of the President's strategy for explaining the war is to say that the news media aren't covering the whole story. According to Pres. Bush and other Administration spokesman, the media only cover the bombings, shooting, kidnappings, and other assorted violence in Iraq. They don't cover the good stories. I've heard this argument made before. Both the Johnson and Nixon Administrations complained that the media reports from Southeast Asia were biased towards battles, casualties, atrocities, and human suffering. And I'm disappointed that the Bush Administration is now blaming the messenger in that time-honored tradition.

Let's think a minute about why the media aren't out in force throughout Iraq looking for good stories. For one, there's the very real danger of being kidnapped and beheaded. I doubt that any story is worth losing one's head over. So the media can only get out under heavy guard, preferably with the US Army or the Marines. In this situation, they would see, what? Hmm, battles, bombings, IEDs, violence.

Second, what is the biggest need of the Iraqis? I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say security. I'm gonna guess that Iraqis would like to feel safe in their homes, safe on their streets, safe at the markets and shops and stores, and safe at their places of employment or safe to look for employment. Yet, by and large, they do not appear to be safe in any of these areas.

Probably the next thing the Iraqis would like would be clean water in their pipes (or even water that they can boil and use). Then they'd probably like electricity more than two hours a day. As we enter the fourth year since we invaded to liberate the Iraqi people, they have none of these things in their daily lives. I can forgive those who do not feel that life is better now than it was before liberation.

In yesterday's speech, President Bush touted a recent success in one town in the northwest of the country that, he said, had finally been liberated from terrorists (or insurgents or freedom fighters, whatever you want to call them). The Washington Post did some interviewing of the residents there, and the facts on the ground would seem to contradict everything the President said. It would seem that the insurgents are finally returning to Tal Afar...again.

Can you say, "Credibility Gap?"

Happy First Day of Spring

It's a rather routine day for March here. Temperatures will be in the 40's with a brisk wind. All in all a fine first day of Spring. The forecast for the next two days isn't so hot, though. The weather forecasters think we could get 3-5 inches of snow from tonight through tomorrow night. Ah, but this is the first day of Spring. So Carpe that Diem!

I continue to feel better. The new medicine seems to be helping lift the depression. I got a lot of sleep this past weekend. We went to a state park and rented a cabin that has all of the amenities. Some of our state parks are quite rustic, but this one, Hueston Woods in southwest Ohio near the Indiana border, is what they call a resort park. That means it's not rustic at all. It was a perfect getaway weekend for me.

The only thing that I need now is a weekend or a week off by myself. I need to meditate and relax and be accountable to no one but myself. I don't give myself enough time to quietly sit and think or pray or listen to myself or Spirit. I keep myself too much distracted by the world around me.

Monday mornings after a three day weekend are tough for me to get reaclimated to work. I've looked over what's on my plate, and I feel that I'm in a good space with it. Of course, the project leader will hit me with all sorts of late changes and work, but that's just the way he is, and there's nothing I can do about it. I've prepared as best I can, and all I really need to do is keep my cool and be prepared to work late or over the weekend. These aren't my favorite kinds of managers, but they do exist, and one has to get along with them.

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I see everyone was busy marking the third anniversary of the US invasion of Iraq over the weekend. Sorry I missed it. The US made a stupid mistake going into Iraq when we did, for the reasons we did, and the way we did. So far, we've won all the battles, and we're losing the strategic war. For me, that's deja vu all over again, as Yogi said. In that respect, it's just like Vietnam 35 years ago. Maybe even moreso than in Vietnam, we have no one to blame but ourselves.

I notice that the President and all of his men and women are out in force telling us that things are going better than the media reports them to be going, that the war is crucial to US survival, that in ten years we'll be able to look back and see all of the positive things we've accomplished from this invasion and occupation of Iraq, and that we did the right thing then and are doing the right thing now.

How lovely. I wonder if Bob McNamara is writing their material. (McNanara, for those too young to remember, was Secretary of Defense during the Vietnam buildup and heavy fighting. He later regretted almost all he did about Vietnam.)

In my perfect world, Rumsfeld, Bush, Cheney, Tennant, and Rice would all be tried as war criminals. They led us into war under erroneous intelligence. They have overseen and approved "interrogation techniques" that are nothing short of torture. And they have failed both to deliver what they promised when they promised it, but they are getting a lot of people killed in the process simply to save face.

But in the real world, that won't happen. In the real world, US complacency and the impotence of the rest of the world will leave things to wend their merry way to whatever conclusion can be achieved. Eventually, probably before Bush's term in up, we'll declare victory and exit Vietnam...er Iraq, leaving behind a few advisors. Iraq will descend into chaos (yes, I'm sorry but it can, and will, get worse), the Middle East will continue churning. And the US, saddled by debts we can't pay because we've outsourced all of our manufacturing, will be selling off the US Navy to China to pay the interest on the US Treasury Bonds China holds. We have mortgaged our future for a mess of porridge that has gone cold and sticky.

It's no less that we deserve. The initial election of Bush was done in ignorance of how the world would change on 9/11/01. The re-election of the President was criminal neglect by the American people. We will eventually pay the price while blaming the rest of the world for picking on us.

Happy first day of Spring, everybody!

Positive Health Update

I have felt much better these past few days, which, perversely, may explain why I haven't written here. I didn't need the exercise to jumpstart my brain, and I didn't need to pass the time when I had nothing to do. I have a project that, if it doesn't satisfy my soul, at least keeps my attention and requires my focus.

That's what I was worried about as the project started: that my depression would keep me from being able to focus on task. That's what my depression does. I can't focus unless it see a real spiritual value to me. I'm sure that sounds odd coming from someone in the workaday world, but that's how I feel.

It's still going to be another week or so before the full benefit of the Cymbalta takes effect, but these initial signs sure are positive.

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I'm going to be off for the next three days. My wife and I are going to a cabin in the woods and chill out. I'm disconnecting from the 'grid' for a few days of reading, walking, meditating, and generally relaxing and having fun. It has been so long since I had fun that I probably have to relearn how to do it.

Wanted: A Job That Matters

I'm beginning to think that the only way to lift this depression I'm in is to go to work doing something that matters to me. I need a job that means something. I need a reason to get up in the morning and work hard and long. What I do now pays well in everyplace but my soul. Yes, depression has many physical causes and is not necessarily triggered by any current or recent event. And yet I get energized by having something to do that matters, if not to me then at least to someone else who needs the output I'm producing.

I have a lot of communications skills, as you might imagine. Everyone who reads what I write tells me I write well. (But then the folks who tell me this know me. It's one thing to hear praise from your friends. It's another to get strangers to pay for what you write, and our world is littered with starving writers.

If I could define my ideal job, it would be one where I get up in the morning with something to write that means something to me--like the short piece on how disgusted I am that America is torturing people in its war on terror--and have people pay me for those thoughts on paper. Unfortunately, most of my thoughts are not fully developed because my time gets eaten up, and my soul gets sucked out, writing technical stuff that my employers don't seem to care about. And I know that if they need to cut costs, I'm the first cost that's cut. I'm a luxury in the information age.

I'd work for half of what I'm making now if I could sell these little essays I write. (See my work on my web site: http://trmurrell.netfirms.com/ for examples of better thought out work.) I've got a book manuscript of Memorial Day essays I'd like to get published. And I have other books I could write that would bring in some money.

I need a contact in the business who thinks my writings would sell. So I've broken down my last barrier of pride to ask here for the kind of job I want. Perhaps this is a prayer, and perhaps the Spirit will hear my prayer and grant it. Or perhaps you are a weary editor looking for a fresh take on the world from someone who isn't jaded by life and who can write clear sentences and even paragraphs.

I just want a job that means something to someone and to me. Is that too much to ask?

Moral Bankruptcy

I really hate to say this, but the evidence is becoming clear to me that my country, the United States of America has sunk to the moral low of some of the worst regimes in human history. Yes, I'm referring to Abu Graibh and Guantanamo. It's hard for me to see how what we've done in those two places has helped our war effort either in terms of intelligence gained or in public relations terms. And the crimes we've committed are truly horrific.

What has brought me to write this? I just finished listened to a radio program, "Habeas Schmabeas" on This American Life. Listen to it for yourself. It details the abuses committed in the name of the American fight against terrorism. It details abuses committed in my name against people who have nothing to do with terrorism. It makes me sick, and I makes me cry for what has been done by my government in my name.

We have already lost the war on terrorism, because we have given up the moral high ground. Every expert agrees that torture is an ineffective way to gain information. It is also degrading to the torturer. Assuming we mend our ways tomorrow, we'll be generations undoing the damage to our image abroad.

Unfortunately, most Americans keep themselves in blissful ignorance. In this, I'm sorry to say, I have been no different from my fellow citizens. I feel like a "good" German from the World War II era who said, "We didn't know." Well I can't say that anymore. I believe we need to submit our actions at Guantanamo to the International War Crimes Tribunal and see that all who have engaged in these heinous acts are brought to justice.

No act of terror committed against this country justifies rounding up innocents and torturing them in revenge for what was done on 9/11. The same rules we applied to the Nazi leadership after WWII or are attempting to apply to Saddam Hussein and his regime today need to be applied to our own leadership. The longer we ignore and permit our leaders to ignore what is being done in our names, the guiltier we are of condoning these crimes.

But don't believe me. Listen to the story I linked above. Read about what is going on at Guantanamo and Kandahar in Afghanistan.

New Meds

I saw my psychiatrist yesterday. After reviewing how I've been doing of late, he agreed that the Lexapro I've been taking has probably played out. I'm now transitioning to a newer SSRI, trade name Cymbalta. I don't even care if it's a placebo effect; anything that helps lift this depression is a good thing for me.

Depression is so frustrating. I want to be motivated. I want to care. I want to do things besides sit around in zombie state. I want to be able to string coherent thoughts together on paper and have those thoughts be about something other than my health.

For me, the most positive thing I've done during this bout of depression is to keep writing something. In the past, I haven't done even that. Writing at least forces me to connect, even for a brief period of time. It doesn't matter that almost no one reads these thoughts or that fewer care to respond. At least when I'm journaling, if nothing else, I'm keeping in more conscious touch with myself. I'm more consciously aware of how I'm feeling and what I'm thinking.

More later (maybe).

Blue Thursday

I didn't go in to work today. I slept through the alarm until about ten till seven, and I just didn't feel like going in today. It's a return of the depression after two good days. Nothing feels right. Nothing feels good. Motivation is no higher than zero and may be lower.

I see the psychiatrist today. Perhaps it's time for a different medication. Perhaps that's not the problem. I don't know.

I remember having several odd dreams last night. One in particular involved doing a Vets Journey Home weekend in a strange place. The last time I had such a dream, Al Fletcher showed up as big and normal as life, and everyone else took it in stride. I hugged Al and we collapsed on a table with me holding him under me and me crying my heart out.

No Al this time, but no students showed up, either. There were just lots of strange staff, and I had the feeling that I wasn't supposed to lead, even though that's what I came to do. Gene was there, as was Marianne, but no one else sticks in my mind as familiar to me.

The other dream (or dreams, I'm not clear) are not clear to me, either.

Eyes & Buddhanet

First, the health update. Yesterday was a better day physically and mentally. Of course, it wasn't a particularly taxing day. As you will read more about below, since I had no work to do in the office, I spent the time studying the information on Buddhism I found on www.buddhanet.net.

Went to the eye doctor in the afternoon where they took pictures of my eyes and measurements of my cornea. I have a relatively thick cornea, which accounted for my high intraoccular pressure at my previous eye exam. And the unadjusted pressure readings were much lower yesterday afternoon: 21 instead of 29. When they subtract 7 or 8 for the cornea thickness, the pressure numbers are fine.

I still don't know what causes my eyes to be so dry, but the tears solutions I've been using seem to help. They want me to come back next month for a field study, whatever that is. It's a morning appointment. Maybe that makes a difference.

Buddhanet next, but first a short break.

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Crashing

It's midday here where I am, and I can feel myself crashing, crashing down. I'm suddenly very tired, bone-weary tired. And I'm hot. I've already had 3 cups of coffee and four energy bars. I've just come in from about fifteen minutes outside in mid-30's weather. Boy, it feels hot in here! I just want to close my eyes and go to sleep.

I think I'll eat my lunch when I finish this entry. Maybe that will perk me up. More later.

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Lunch did help, a little, but not a lot and not for long. It's midafternoon now, and I still basically have no energy. The room feels very hot today, which doesn't help me not be drowsy.

I listened to an archived story from this weekend on NPR that talked about a college student who was expelled for seeking help with his depression. The school authorities apparently believe that if you suffer from depression you are automatically a candidate for suicide. I don't know what studies there are addressing the subject, but I don't feel suicidal at all. Frankly, suicide would require more effort than I'm willing to make. Nor does life seem not worth living; I just can't muster much energy to do much at all. My wife suffers from depression, too, and she and I have talked about this suicide business. She never wanted to kill herself, either.

Now I'm not saying that depression isn't at the root of most suicides, and of most murders for that matter. I'm just saying that depression doesn't always lead to suicide or at least not the obvious suicide that identifies itself at the scene. (I accept that killing oneself by alcohol could be suicide, but I doubt that it can be identified as such after the fact because it's not a quick cause and effect event.)

All I'm saying is that just because I talk of depression and write like a depressed person doesn't mean I want to kill myself. It is what it is, no more and no less.

Hindsight

No matter how much I know of my various physical and mental ailments, it always comes as a surprise to me when I can identify actions--or perhaps more accurately inactions--coming from my depression. I think that's a lot of what I have been writing in the past week. I've been talking about sleep apnea, and as I reread the writing, it is obvious to me that the person writing is writing in depression.

It was really bad Sunday afternoon when I had a block of time that I could use any way I wanted, and I absolutely could not motivate myself to use that time at all. I sat in front of my computer and played solitaire. I actually got up over $1,000 in winnings, that's how much I was playing. It was a way to not do nothing without doing anything.

I even picked up my wife's copy of Marley and Me, which has had my wife in stitches as she read it. I had read 30 or so pages when I realized that while there were some funny moments in the book and it is all around pleasant to read, I wasn't laughing. I was getting the jokes, but they weren't more than mildly amusing to me. I am depressed.

I actually started feeling better last evening, and I feel at least somewhat better this morning. I have no more explanation for why I started feeling better than I do for why I drifted down into depression. I haven't missed my medication. Readers know how much attention I've been putting into my sleeping. I don't have any answers, and I'm beginning to think the medical sciences don't have any answers either.

Recent Books

First, a health update and then I want to discuss, briefly some of the books I've read lately.

I slept through the night, but I didn't want to wake up this morning, and if I hadn't had to pee, I would have stayed in bed longer. Now that I'm up, my eyes are causing me problems still. I hope the eye doctor can do something about this. I see him Tuesday afternoon.

What I really, really don't like is that I have no motivation to do much of anything. Everything seems harder than doing nothing. Perhaps it is the depression more than the sleep apnea that has me down at the moment. Well, I see the psychiatrist this week. Much as I hate to consider it, I suspect he'll either up my antidepressant dosage or change to something else for me.

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I've been reading a number of good books lately, and it's a relatively eclectic group, if I do say so myself. Since December, I've read Joan Didion's The Year of Magical Thinking, Doris Kearns-Goodwin's Team of Rivals, Bill Bryson's A Short History of Nearly Everything, and Jean Edward Smith's John Marshall: Definer of a Nation. I also listened to the audiobook version of Memoirs of a Geisha, but I can't remember the author.

Each is interestingly written. Each held my interest. And each taught me something different about the world in which I live. So I want to write about each a little bit.

The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion is an award-winning book about her grief in the year after her husband's sudden death from a heart attack. It's a very compelling read, and a good listen too if you get the audiobook. I got the real sense of the grief and how the sudden loss of someone on whom the writer depended for everything, especially the little things that make up anyone's life was so shattering. After reading this book, for the first time I understood the difference between mourning and grief.

Team of Rivals by contrast is a biography of Abraham Lincoln that focuses on the man as a capable man. Lincoln may have been the quintessential American rags to riches story, only he never achieved great riches. Instead, he achieved great power. It's really the story of how he defeated his rivals for the Presidential nomination in 1860 and then brought them into his cabinet to be his advisors. Kearns-Goodwin may have followed in the tradition that makes of Lincoln a secular American saint, but she makes a compelling case that he may really have been one such man.

John Marshall: Definer of a Nation in contrast treads mostly unfamiliar ground. It is the story of the American Constitution's beginnings in functional government and especially the story of how John Marshall, the fourth Chief Justice of the Supreme Court actually manifested the court into the third leg of power in this country.

If I dwell just a few moments here, I want to say that the argument between those who favored a living Constitution that was flexible to the needs of the time and those who favored a strict construction of the Constitution's words really started in the beginning of our nation. This is hardly a new argument, though it has been enlisted in various causes and the nation has grown and matured.

John Marshall also shows just how political the court has always been. Congress is empowered in the Constitution to define the court, to set how many Justices there are and what their duties are. And there have always been complaints, invariably by the losers, about 'activist' judges. It is fascinating to see how all the arguments we hear about the court today played out over 200 years ago.

A Short History of Nearly Everything is perhaps the best book I have read tracing the creating and evolution of Planet Earth and all who have dwelt upon it (as far as the fossil records allow). The writer is an excellent synthesist of physics, astronomy, archeology, geology: every physical and some metaphysical science. He really puts the human being and the current epoch in perspective. If I came away with nothing else, I came away with the conviction that the planet will survive far longer than we human beings will.

Memoirs of a Geisha I decided to listen to because I decided that the book would be better than the movie. From everything I've read, I was right. Certainly, it was a great book to listen to. It's the story of how a woman survived in the world into which she was born: semi-feudal Japan before WWII. It's also the story of how she survived the war and prospered after the war. The writer did a great job of storytelling and presenting a time and a profession that are fascinatingly different from anything I'm likely to experience.

I want to add one more book to this list. Recently, A Woman in Berlin was reissued. It is the true story of a woman who survived the end of WWII in Berlin. She tells us what it is like to be a woman, any woman, in a conquered land, any conquered land. It is the unvarnished truth about what people have to do to survive, particularly women. Anyone who wants to understand the agony of being defeated and of being a woman in a chaotic world needs to read this book.

Okay, that's my book reviewing for now. Have a nice day.

A Tired Day

I got two extra hours of sleep today; I didn't get up till eight where I'm usually struggling to get out of bed around six. I've felt okay much of the day, but I've had no energy. My eyes have been a challenge. Some times I can see fine; other times it's blurry, especially in the right eye.

The biggest challenge has been the lack of energy, and it seems to be related to the eyes. The harder I work to see, the more quickly I tire. Right now, I just feel very tired. I just want to put some soothing music on and drift off to never-never land.

This isn't much of an entry, but I wanted to keep the log going of how I'm feeling each day.

And Now The News

I'm seeing news headlines that are resonating with me in odd ways. So I'm going to inflict these oddities on you. I hope at least one gives you a chuckle, and that the irony is not lost.

Ethics Office Rejected For Hill it seems that the Senate has rejected a bipartisan proposal for an Ethics Office that would monitor Senator's compliance with ethics rules. It would seem that we're in favor of ethical reform as long as there is no accountability. The Senate is much better at holding the President accountable for what he did or didn't do during the Katrina disaster rather than holding themselves accountable for ethical lapses.

Bush Makes Nuke Deal With India what caught my eye about this one was the comment that if the Indians increase their use of nuclear reactors for civilian power uses, the pressure on international oil prices will lessen. Perhaps that's true. It seems to me, though, that we Americans consider it okay for India to build civilian nuclear power facilities to lower our oil prices, but it's not okay for us to build our own nuclear power facilities to lessen our dependence on foreign oil? Is something wrong with this picture?

Widespread Anger and Turmoil Await Bush in Pakistan can I get a job writing obvious headlines? That has to be the easiest job in the world. The President is on a trip. I get up and go to work in the morning and wonder what headline I'll write. And suddenly it comes to me: "President Arrives in (country) where they hate us."

No Headway in Nuclear Talks Between Europeans and Iran okay, let's review the bidding here. Iran wants to make its own nuclear materials without having to rely on countries that are hostile to it. Iran says it is going to do that, basically come hell or high water. Europe, the IAEA, and the US are all appalled. APPALLED I tell you, that the Iranians would destabilize the region like that. So they continue to negotiate with and monitor Iran, and Iran continues to do exactly what they say they will do. I'm reminded of the proverb that says that stupidity is doing the same thing over and over again while expecting different results.

Howard Stern to CBS: "I Will Not Be Bullied" I will do any bullying done around here, okay?

Bush Defends India Job Outsourcing of course he did that in India. When he gets back here, he'll no doubt talk about the need to develop more jobs for Americans. Q: How can you tell when a politician is lying? A: His lips are moving.

Final Item. (You're welcome.)Canada Backs Sikh Dagger Rights You have got to see this story on the BBC web site. I can't do it justice without the picture. http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/americas/4770744.stm. It seems that in Canada now, a Sikh teenager is allowed to wear a ceremonial dagger called a kirpan to school. Personally, I'm in favor of us all going back to wearing swords and learning the skills of swordsmanship. I'm wondering how many Canadians parents are, though. I'm not sure I would give a teenage boy anything sharp.

And that's the news of the moment.

Mid-Afternoon Blahs

I slept, sort of, under the new pressure setting last night. It might take a few days to get accustomed to 20 psi incoming pressure. I had some trouble with air getting into my stomach. I also woke up about an hour after I went to bed and had to go to the bathroom. That's not good. Though I have no recollection of gasping for breath, the apnea is usually what wakes me.

Today I have been dragging a bit. Right now, I'm dragging a lot. I'm not hungry, but I want to eat. I know my body is looking for ways to stay awake. That's not good. I'll probably be dead tired when I get home tonight. If so, I'm going to bed earlier than usual so that I have at least 8 hours on the machine at a minimum.

I realize this is turning into a diary of my sleep apnea, and I'm probably boring folks. Maybe I should move this stuff to a different blog and call it "The Man Who Couldn't Sleep Straight." Well, I don't get a lot of comments here anyway, so I suppose it doesn't matter.

The Continuing Saga

Sorry to bore you, if I am. I want to continue documenting my sleep and its effects on the rest of my body.

At first blush, I would have said I slept well last night. I don't recall waking once in the night. I don't even recall turning over, though I think I can do that without being much awake. Nor do I recall my dreams or even that I was dreaming.

On the other hand, I don't feel all that rested at the moment. My eyes feel scratchy and heavy. I'll see how the morning unfolds.

Around eleven local I'll leave for the sleep clinic with my machine. They are going to adjust the pressure down a bit. We'll see in the next few nights how that goes.

More later.

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It's afternoon, now, and I've been to the sleep clinic. They turned the pressure up instead of down. Up makes more sense. Anyway, it was 18/14 and is now 20/16. I'm anxious to see how that works.

Actually, I feel fairly well at the moment. The eyes are still somewhat sensitive, but I feel awake and alert.