Crashing

It's midday here where I am, and I can feel myself crashing, crashing down. I'm suddenly very tired, bone-weary tired. And I'm hot. I've already had 3 cups of coffee and four energy bars. I've just come in from about fifteen minutes outside in mid-30's weather. Boy, it feels hot in here! I just want to close my eyes and go to sleep.

I think I'll eat my lunch when I finish this entry. Maybe that will perk me up. More later.

###

Lunch did help, a little, but not a lot and not for long. It's midafternoon now, and I still basically have no energy. The room feels very hot today, which doesn't help me not be drowsy.

I listened to an archived story from this weekend on NPR that talked about a college student who was expelled for seeking help with his depression. The school authorities apparently believe that if you suffer from depression you are automatically a candidate for suicide. I don't know what studies there are addressing the subject, but I don't feel suicidal at all. Frankly, suicide would require more effort than I'm willing to make. Nor does life seem not worth living; I just can't muster much energy to do much at all. My wife suffers from depression, too, and she and I have talked about this suicide business. She never wanted to kill herself, either.

Now I'm not saying that depression isn't at the root of most suicides, and of most murders for that matter. I'm just saying that depression doesn't always lead to suicide or at least not the obvious suicide that identifies itself at the scene. (I accept that killing oneself by alcohol could be suicide, but I doubt that it can be identified as such after the fact because it's not a quick cause and effect event.)

All I'm saying is that just because I talk of depression and write like a depressed person doesn't mean I want to kill myself. It is what it is, no more and no less.